making moves

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wednesday, december 7th marked two years of sobriety for me. in a strange and sad mark of time, i returned to the house in the east bay where i last got drunk to drop off a bag of mandarins for mourners who have been gathering there since their friends were killed in the ghostship fire. while i didn’t do much to celebrate my sobriety anniversary — aside from mocktail spritzers of fresh squeezed mandarin juice and seltzer — i have certainly been reflecting on its meaning in my life. i feel grateful to be sober, although it is a challenge in times of politically-induced low-level depression and anxiety. it’s the painful moments when i am wishing i was clutching a drink that i know i am growing in my capacity to be present with discomfort, pain, and my general emotional self.

also on december 7th, i started testosterone hormone replacement therapy (HRT). i’ve been considering it as an option for a couple months, and it’s been on my radar as an option for a couple years, at least. the time is right. i’m ready to delve into this particular unknown. i’m so grateful to have connected with several friends who are on hormones to have vulnerable and honest conversations with them about the real challenges and the affirming joys involved with taking hormones and the other ways we self-actualize as trans folks. it made me realize that while many of my friends are trans or gender non-conforming, i rarely have intentional conversations about other peoples’ experiences related to gender, and that’s something i want to do more of. this decision making process also made me grateful to be in queer community because it seems like folks who are cisgender and otherwise not connected to queer/trans community probably don’t often get a chance to discuss their relationship to their body, society’s relationship to their body, and other things we as trans folks have no choice but to ponder.

anyway, i took my second injection today with shaking hands and eli by my side, and i have a lot of excitement and anticipation for the changes to come. if i ever come even remotely close to being a douchey, misogynist trans dude, please remind me i took my first shot of testosterone sitting in my car outside my therapist’s office, listening to “defying gravity”. and for other trans musical theater lovers out there — highly recommend pretending that elphaba is totally singing about being trans instead of talking about literally flying. gets me totally emotional every time.

for the final condensed update in personal news, eli and i are saying goodbye for now to the fruit farm to move to the tiny town of occidental, california. i have some grief about the transition, as it’s been one of the hugest blessings ever to have the opportunity to learn to farm in such a beautiful place with such generous and kind folks. but it’s also been hard to be so far from friends and community in the bay (we are ~3 hours away), in a trump-leaning town, at that. occidental is a tiny town of 1,000 people in sonoma county, more like an hour and a half from the bay, and i am hopeful it will be a good balance of rural/nature-centric living while still having access and being able to contribute to the culture, arts, and political work of the bay.

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fall on the farm has been absolutely beautiful. i’m obsessed with how the moss on the trees turns neon green after a night of rain. the seasonal creek has hit its flow. the narcissus flowers are beginning to bloom. we are eating persimmons, beets, baby kale from the land, eggs from the chickens, and tons of mandarins from neighboring farmers. on special nights, i break out summer foods we froze in anticipation for colder times — corn and tomatoes, strawberries, and yes, peaches. i’m really gonna miss the peaches.

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frog & toad have taken to joining us on walks around the farm.

’til next time,

xo freddie

 

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